


Talk Me Down  (You’re the Reason Why I Fear to Die)

by Twykad



Series: Of Shadowhunters and a glittery Warlock [1]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I did my best, Immortality, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mortality, Near Death Experiences, Not Beta Read, also i don't know how to tag, english isn't my first language, hurt!Alec, injured!alec, worried!magnus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2016-09-30
Packaged: 2018-08-18 17:28:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8169961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twykad/pseuds/Twykad
Summary: After a near death experience, Alec realise once more that his mortality means he will leave Magnus behind.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys !  
> This is my first fanfiction in YEARS ! I hope you all will like it ^^  
> English isn't my first language so there might be some awful mistakes.

"Alec, you _promised_ that you were taking your night off." Magnus hissed.

"I know, Magnus I’m sorry.

"You _promised_ that you kept this night for _us_ " Added the warlock starting to get really angry.

 

Alec pursed his lips. He knew he promised but he couldn’t keep his promised in this kind of situation. He couldn’t let Izzy, Jace and go hunting a Ravener demon’s nest by themselves. He crossed his arms.

 

"I _know_ Magnus, but what do you want me to do? Let my sister, Clary and my _Parabatai_ go hunting dangerous demons without _me_?

"Yes, actually, yes, Alexander, I would love it. I would love having my boyfriend, at home, _safe_ , keeping his promises."

 

Alec rolled his eyes gaining a murderous gaze from Magnus.

 

"I can’t. I’ll make it up for you if you want" He sighed.

"Will you?" He asked in an angry high pitched tone, "because _that_ was _already_ supposed to be a make up from last time.

"I’m _sorry_ Magnus, I’m sorry that I can’t but things are how they are." Alec answered coldly.

 

The shadowhunter grabbed his bow and arrows and walked toward the door, but when he opened it, his boyfriend closed it, in a flick of the hand.

 

"MAGNUS!" He yelled.

 

Magnus flinched at the scream.

 

"FINE!" He screamed back. "BUT DON’T ASK FOR ME WHEN YOU’LL BE HURT!

"I won’t, now, open the FUCKING DOOR, MAGNUS."

 

And he did, and when Alec was finally able to leave, he didn’t forget to close it violently making the walls, and Magnus, shake.

Alec was so furious that he couldn’t wait to throw arrows in some stupid ravener. And his face must have told everything for him because no one asked him anything about how he was; they just gave him the details of the mission before they go. They also knew already that he was supposed to have his night off and they knew both him and Magnus would be pissed. Clary did mouth a “sorry” though and Alec shrugged. Everything will be okay. And when he will come back home Magnus will, as always, jump to him, checking him for any injuries. He will see relief washes his worried eyes; they’ll kiss and say sorry to each others. And probably say “I love you” because that’s what they did when they made up after a fight, reassuring each others that they still love them. This thought pushed away some of his anger, now, he couldn’t wait to be home.

The nest wasn’t hard to found, but that was not surprising after the strong lead they got. What was surprising, however, was their number. The lead said that there were a lot of raveners, but not _that_ much. Alec gulped; he suddenly had a bad feeling about this and was quite glad he didn’t let his loves ones go without him. Soon, his arrows were flying everywhere, sending the demons back into their dimension. But despite his work and the others’, their number didn’t seem to diminish and as they were getting tired, they exchanged worried glances.

 

"Guys, " Jace suddenly said loudly so everyone heared," I think we should retreat, they’re too many. We can’t beat them by ourselves, we need back-up."

 

Alec nodded. They had fought for what seemed to be hours and even with his stamina rune he now couldn’t fight as well as he wished. He threw a last arrow before running toward his Parabatai, watching the others doing the same. But then, they were screaming and running at him, seraph blades high in their hands. He hissed in pain. How could he have missed it? He looked down; the ravener sting was piercing his chest. He coughed blood.

 

"Shit", he mumbled.

 

***

 

Anger had been replaced by worry. From the start Magnus hadn’t feel it. He still didn’t. He didn’t know why but he had felt that his night would be spoiled. But he would have rather been like his night being spoiled in a pleasant, maybe –no surely, sexual way too. But no, that wasn’t this king of spoil. It was the kind he hated the most: sudden and urgent hunt for Alec. The kind that made his stomach curls uncomfortably and his heart contracts in a painful fear. “Please, let him be fine” he repeated to himself, clenching his fists. He ended up summoning some cocktails to ease his feelings, but they didn’t help much. It was late already; Alec should have been home by now. His head was now swimming with questions. Did something happen to Izzy? To Jace? To Clary? ... To Alec…? He bite his tongue at the insufferable thought. He told him to not ask for him if he was hurt but Alec couldn’t have taken it seriously, right? He started chewing his lower lip. What if he was hurt and didn’t dare to go to him and went to the Institute instead? What if he was badly hurt and he didn’t know? What if he… His thoughts was cut off by his phone ringing, seeing “Alexander <3” as the ID, he sighed in relief and answered the phone.

 

" _Alexan_ -"

"Magnus!" Cut off Izzy’s frantic voice. "We need you, now. It’s Alec and it’s bad… it’s so bad… please…"

 

His heart dropped in his stomach and his blood ran off his face. This couldn’t happen. He couldn’t talk for few seconds, until Izzy whimpered in the phone.

 

"W-What’s the address?"

 

***

 

He had always known that, eventually, he will be deadly injured one day. That was the risk when you were a shadowhunter. Shadowhunters weren’t known for living long anyway; painful death awaited most of them. He had always thought he would be ready for this day, all his life he had made himself ready to leave his dear ones behind or to loose them, no matter how much it would actually hurt. “Better me than the others” had been his motto for so long that he wasn’t supposed to be scared when death would come, he was supposed to be ready. But now… Now… Things were different. It wasn’t him, Jace and Izzy anymore. New faces had come in the picture. One of them being Magnus. He couldn’t leave him like that, not after a fight, not without telling him once more how much he was sorry about missing their date and how much he loved him. He started to panic at the mere idea to die before saying “I love you” one last time. The warlock knew didn’t he? How precious he was to him. He didn’t want to die without saying goodbye.

And suddenly, it stroke him, he didn’t want to die _at all_. Because dying meant leaving Magnus behind and he couldn’t.

 

"Magnus…" He weakly called before a new wave of pain came through him making him arch his back.

"Izzy called him, he is coming, hold on Alec.." answered Jace with hurry.

 

His Parabatai was trying to stop the bleeding; Alec could feel the hands pressing his wound shaking strongly. He tried to focus his vision but it was all blurry. It seemed that Izzy and Clary were next to him, Izzy’s hand was stroking his hair. It looked like he had been moved, away from the demons. When did this happen? He felt the need to close his eyes and blinked heavily.

 

"Don’t you dare falling unconscious." He heard Jace said.

"J-Jace… I’m scared…"

 

Jace sobbed in response.

 

***

 

Magnus had never been in such a hurry. He didn’t even took time to change his clothes; when he stepped out of the portal he was still in his light blue dressing gown, his face was bare and his hair undone and messy. Clary was the one who guided him to Alec and the view made him feel dizzy. Alec, his Alec, lying on the concrete in a pool of blood, his face, whiter than ever, contracted with pain, eyes barely open. He fell on his knees, right next to him, a hand above the wound, his magic already working. They didn’t have time to move him further. He lightly touch Alec’s forehead and the latter looked up, with so much difficulties it hurt the warlock. His eyes were glossy, almost distant.

 

"Mag-Magnus…"

"Shhh… I’m here darling, you’re going to be okay." he soothed.

 

But he knew his voice was trembling and he knew it was not sure at all that his boyfriend would be okay.

 

"I’m sorry Magnus…"

"Don’t you talk sweetheart, just stay awake okay? Stay awake for me."

"I’m sorry…" He managed to say again before his head rolled back, eyes closed.

"No, Alec… ALEC!"

 

He screamed in hope it would waking him. Jace and Izzy were suddenly showering him with questions. But he couldn’t answer. He didn’t know if Alec would be fine. He didn’t know if Alec would survive this. He didn’t know if Alec would live. He didn’t know and he wanted them to shut up and let him concentrate.

Minutes seemed eternal and even if the ravener’s poison was mostly out of Alec’s body, Magnus’ magic was growing weak. The others had stop talking when tears at started running on the warlock’s face.

 

"Come on Alexander, I know you can do it… You can survive that…" He murmured to reassure himself.

 

Magnus closed his eyes a second and passed one of his sleeves on his forehead, covering it with sweat and tainting his forehead with Alec’s blood. He inhaled strongly. He needed air. His look feel on his shadowhunter and it didn’t take long before he realised something that made his blood run cold. Alec had stopped breathing.

 

***

 

Jace screamed. His Parabatai rune had never been so painful and he knew what it meant. Alec was _dying_ and the world went slow. Magnus was pushing is magic as he could into the wound, panic written all over his cat-eyes. Izzy was petrified and Clary ran to Magnus’ side offering her hand. Jace couldn’t comprehend what was happening. Losing Alec was the worst thing that could ever happen in his life. Alec couldn’t die. He didn’t have the right to die, not when Jace was still there. Life couldn’t take his Parabatai from him. It was _impossible_.

 

***

 

Blue glow went stronger as Magnus borrowed strength from Clary. And he had never been as relieved as when Alec started breathing again. The warlock had a small hysterical laugh and looked up at Jace and Izzy, nodding. Alec was going to make it and never had he saw such a relief and such a genuine smile on Jace’s face. Izzy let herself dragged into Jace embrace as the latter was repeating in a hoarse voice “He is alive, he is alive”.

When he was sure, few minutes later, that Alec was out of any danger, Magnus let go his magic and let himself fall on Alec, still unconscious, kissing him lightly. He took his hand and pulled him to his face. He kissed his fingers and hold tight on him.

 

"You made it… You are so strong, I’m proud of you, you are so strong, I love you, I love you so much.." the warlock sobbed quietly.

 

***

 

Alec’s eyelids were so heavy, he couldn’t even move them. It was silent around him, but the bed he was in was definitely _not_ the one he shared with his boyfriend. He tried to move a bit, but it was painful. He realised that someone must have been holding his hand because the grip on it tighten and the world seemed to move all at once. He heard Magnus’ voice ordering to get water in an excited voice. Magnus. Magnus was there. His eyes shoot open and almost immediately locked with teary golden-green cat-eyes. He blinked slowly and suddenly the warlock was making him drink some water, then some liquid, probably a potion. He stared again at the warlock, his memory from the last night coming back. Or was it last night? How long had he been unconscious?

 

"Magnus?" He croaked.

 

Magnus opened his mouth but couldn’t speak and threw himself on Alec instead, head on the crook of his neck. It didn’t take long for the shadowhunter to notice that his boyfriend was crying.

 

"You’re awake."

 

It was Jace. His golden eyes were shinning with relief. Izzy was behind him, tears in her eyes too. Clary was next to Jace, smiling, looking as relieved as the others. And then, he remembered. With the wound he had had, he shouldn’t be alive.

 

"How comes I’m not dead?" He blurted out.

 

They all looked pained and Magnus let out a sob that made Alec instantly regretting the way he asked. He tightened the embrace. Jace and Izzy looked at each others; they seemed to come to a silent decision and his sister came next to him and sat on the bed, taking his free hand.

 

"You… You were dying big brother… You… You even stopped breathing." She remembered letting her tears fall. "But Magnus wouldn’t give up on you and Clary ended up giving him strength… They saved you."

"Thank you, Clary." he said.

 

Magnus finally detached himself from him and rubbed his eyes. They were still glossy but he had stopped crying. At this moment, Alec noticed that Magnus didn’t wear any make-up and that his hair was not in a beautiful spiky mess but flat on his head. He had huge dark circle and was in his pyjamas. He sniffed and took back Alec’s hand. One look, and Izzy, Jace and Clary were gone, letting the couple alone on the bedroom of the hospital wing of the Institute.

 

***

 

Magnus couldn’t take his eyes of Alec, being awake and well. Alec huge blue eyes were set on his. Magnus had a small smile, but he knew he looked bad. His boyfriend’s eyes were full of worry.

 

"I’m sorry, Magnus" He murmured.

 

The warlock shook his head.

 

" Oh sweetheart, there is no need to be sorry, it wasn’t your fault."

"But I-"

"Shh… It’s okay, I’m okay, we’re okay, you’re okay… You’re okay…"

 

He bite his lower lip.

 

"Magnus…"

"I thought I was losing you… Oh _Alexander_ ; I thought you were dying and that I would never see those wonderful blue eyes of yours… I thought… I thought our last conversation would be an argument and… And I couldn’t bear it… Oh _Alexander_ , I’m so sorry I yelled before you went hunting… I’m sorry I didn’t say “I love you”, I’m so, so sorry that the last image you would have had from me would’ve been an angry one… I’m so, so sorry _Alexander_ and I love you."

 

Alec said nothing but held his hand and took it to his lips. He kissed his fingers and his palm lightly and it was worth all the words in the world.

 

***

 

They went back to the loft later on that day, just to curl up into each others arms in the bed. Magnus fell fast asleep almost as soon as they both were comfortable. After using most of his magic and bed watching Alec the time he was unconscious, he was more than tired and really needed to rest. Alec on the other hand and at his own surprise didn’t really felt tired. He absently stroke his boyfriend hair, thinking. He hadn’t insisted, but he felt sorry to make Magnus so worried. He knew how close it had been… And he remembered how afraid he himself was. He looked at the warlock’s peaceful sleeping face. He had lived for centuries and he still looked so young. But this wasn’t the case for Alec. If he didn’t die because of a demon or by the hand of a Circle member, he will die of more or less old age, because who knew what could happen? He could fell seriously sick after all, he was mortal. He will get wrinkles and grey hair. His body will change for the worst. But Magnus … Magnus was _eternal_ , he will have to see him _age_ , he will have to see him _die_. Alec had never been afraid to die, but he was now. He will eventually leave Magnus behind and his dear lover will be hurt, and he didn’t want that, ever. He sighed and closed his eyes, snuggling against the warlock, in a need of his warmth, holding him closely.

He woke up to the smell of coffee. He loved it because even if Magnus could summon some, he made it home by love for him and Alec found that beautiful. He stayed eye closed a moment but when he started feeling too lonely in the huge bed, he got up and joined the kitchen. Magnus was back to him, cooking some eggs and bacon, humming some mundane song that he didn’t know. Alec smiled and went to hug his boyfriend by behind.

 

"Good morning beautiful." He whispered into his ears.

"Good morning sleeping beauty." Answered Magnus and Alec could almost see his smile.

 

The warlock shut the gas and turned; cupping the shadowhunter’s face and went to kiss him.

 

"How do you feel this morning? Does your chest still hurt?"

"I’m fine" He lied.

 

Well, he wasn’t really lying. His chest didn’t hurt much, he was just… Thinking again about death now that the subject was brought up. One day he will die, and it will hurt Magnus.

His boyfriend narrowed his eyes, blue sparks starting to glow at the tip of his fingers in case Alec needed some healing again.

 

"I’m physically fine." Précised Alec to sooth him.

 

But it apparently didn’t really worked because worries came over his golden green eyes.

 

"Let’s talk after breakfast" Suggested the shadowhunter.

 

Magnus nodded and went back to the breakfast, not before Alec kissed him again.

 

***

 

It was the most silent breakfast they ever shared. Magnus didn’t really like the serious tone Alec had had when he asked for a talk. It made him nervous for some reasons. He had tried to wash away the bad thoughts with Alec’s affection but even those attentions seemed off. Comforting himself that it was because of the latest events, Magnus sighed. He flicked his fingers to clean the dishes and looked at Alec.

 

"You wanted to talk?" He asked softly.

 

Alec nodded and bite his lips, lowering his eyes, he reached for Magnus’ hand.

 

"I was scared too last night."

 

The warlock gulped. He knew this conversation had to come but, thinking again about what happened… It was painful. He tightened the grip on his hand.

 

"I’m not supposed to be scared to die."

"It’s normal to be scared to die Alec…"

"I’m a _shadowhunter_ Magnus, I should be prepared."

"But-"

"Let me continue, please."

 

Magnus nodded.

 

"I’ve been raised not to fear death. I’ve been trained to welcome death if something bad were to happen and during all these years, all these times my injuries put my life at risk, I wasn’t afraid. But I was last night."

"What happened? What changed?" He asked cautiously.

" _You_. You happened Magnus. And you changed _everything_."

 

***

 

Talking with Magnus always felt easier to Alec than talking with anyone else. With him, he could always be sincere. He didn’t fear to be judge or mocked, Magnus always listened and the look in his eyes when Alec confessed that he had changed everything, oh, the shadowhunter will never forget it; so beautiful, so sweet, so full of love, so much for someone like him… He didn’t deserve it. Magnus deserved better. He deserved someone permanent.

 

"Because of you Magnus, I was afraid. I didn’t want to die, I don’t want to die."

"But you didn’t…"

"But I will, one day."

"What do you mean, Alec?"

"Even if it’s not because of demons or Circle members, I will die one day. I’m going to age, and get old, and die. And you won’t, and it’s not fair."

 

The warlock stayed silent, hurt written all over his face as if he thought that Alec found it unfair for himself or as if he knew what was coming.

 

"It’s not fair for _you_ Magnus…"

"Are you… Are you breaking up with me?" Magnus asked in a small and shaky voice.

 

***

 

What was happening? It couldn’t be it. It _couldn’t_. He was so closed to lose him last night and now… Now he was losing him again? But this time it was Alec’s choice? He must be misunderstanding.

 

"I think... _Maybe_ , we should break up." Whispered Alec as if the words were knifes in his throat.

 

Magnus felt like the worlds had stopped, like he couldn’t breathe anymore. He looked in Alec’s eyes, searching for an answer at his silent question: why?

 

"I just… I don’t want to make you suffer Magnus, I can’t bear the thought."

"So you are breaking up with me, how nice of you, smart move _Alexander"_ He ironized his voice trembling in a sad laugh.

"No, no Magnus, it’s not like that, you don’t understand."

"I don’t understand?!" He was almost hysterical now and he got up. "What don’t I understand, _Alexander_? Because it seems pretty clear that _you_ breaking up with _me_ his making me _suffer_."

"But the more I stay with you the more you will suffer when I actually die Magnus!"

 

As Alec got up too to face him, Magnus shook his head and there were tears on his eyes when he locked them with Alec’s again.

 

***

 

Alec hated this. He hated seeing the man he loved like that, he just wanted to reach for him and hug him like there is no tomorrow.

 

"You think?"

 

At this point, Magnus’ sad and angry high pitched voice was just poison for his heart. Alec couldn’t answer. He couldn’t move at all. He just looked at the warlock with a painfully sorry glare.

 

"Really, Alec?"

"The less time that I spend with you, the less you’ll need to heal."

"Wrong."

" _Wrong_?"

"WRONG!" The warlock yelled unleashing his tears.

 

Alec was taken aback. Then, he couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t handle the sight of Magnus crying, being heartbroken. He walked toward him, took his wrist and pulled him against his chest. Magnus arms slipped on his back, gripping his shirt like his life depended on it.

 

"I'm not worth the pain, Magnus… I _love you_ , I love you _so_ much Magnus, you have always been good and patient with me but… You deserve so much better than me.

"But You are, Alexander, you are worth the pain and you are worth so much more" He answered softly.

"Am I?"

"Yes. And better than you, doesn’t exist, just so you know."

 

And suddenly Alec felt so relieved, and so sorry. He should have just talk with Magnus without bringing any break up. He should just have tell about his worries and his self worth. Magnus always listened, Magnus always understood, Magnus was always there, loving him.

 

"Sorry…"

"No… Alec… I’ll find a way, I promise. You won’t have to worry about leaving me behind for eternity, I’ll find a way, I _promise_ so don’t you _dare_ leaving me. I need you and I love you."

"Okay…"

"Okay?"

"Yeah."

 

Magnus untangled himself a bit and kissed him. And it felt so right, so good, that Alec just regretted anything he could have said. Breaking up with the warlock was the stupidest idea he had come up with. How on hearth could he give up on so much tender, on so much love? How could he give up on the one person who made him feel _home_?

 

"I’m sorry for what I did, I love you Magnus, I could never leave you. I realise it now."

"Good. Cause I love you too, you stupid Nephilim." He smiled kissing him again.

 

It was a promise. They’ll find a way so neither of them would have to worry about mortality or immortality. They didn’t knew if they could make it, but it was there, and between their kisses, the warmth of their bodies and their love, that was all they needed.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are appreciated ! <3


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